On my way back from my shift, I was thinking and recounting the many past events that occured in my life and realised that though my life is pretty blissful and can be said "lucky" in a sense, my life is totally full of crap, emptyness and not much self-achievement of which I'm proud of at all. My life seem dull and I have no goals or any objectives in life.

I was pretty upset with today with myself and others too. I am still unsure of why I should be disappointed with others but somehow I feel like a stranger when it comes to certain topics and I do not fit into their circle among them. I am unable to chat or understand with them and feel outcasted, lost and confused. I am unable to click or connect to them some way and feel insecure. I feel like in a rainbow of colours that fits, shine in the air and gleam beautifully, I am the black colour that tries blend in but is unable to be seen by others.

Sometimes I feel I am troubling others if I speak of my worries or just talk about it. I try to think my way through of the troubles and emotions that is churning and raging infernally inside me. It may be because I think too many stuff of the future events that may occur and it has me afraid of whether the future events will come true. All I can think of is wearing a mask of neutrality to be shown to the public or on the mainstage and lock the real me who is troubled, confused and afraid.

I now realised that in any case where if my breaking point has been crossed and I break down, I will be helpless to depend or even call out for help. I do not think I have the capacity to actually reach out to others in times of need. I do not want to make my parents worry of me, friends who might think I am overreacting to situations or seemed to much of a hassle to talk to and to my seniors who have more responsibilities when it comes to my insignificant troubles and just out of control enstrogens which is affecting me.

I was really happy and looking forward to the future a few days ago but I now seemed reluctant to continue what I have done halfway and would just like to cut it off. It would seemed unreasonable and stupid but it feels like what I wish and thrive for to happen is not happening. It appear fate is not with me perhaps, but it not a blame to be put on. I wonder if tomorrow is a better day and good surprises will happen to cheer me up from these raging waves of negative emotions that is trying to break free from the chains that I have put on.

I have my hopes that my mask to the public and on the mainstage will be able to retain and withhold against the next few coming days then.

So today was a sick day for me.. Apparently I was tired and feeling a bit dizzy in the afternoon and my friends told me to get some rest.

So I went to the tea room and sat down on the couch. The next thing I knew my friend was waking me up from my sleep and was feeling feverish. >.< not a good thing at all. I apparently slept for 2 hours without me knowing at all. I guess I am pretty much tired as I seem to be deprived of sleep and always seem tired.

My dad called me earlier in the evening. He just reached Changi airport and is going to leave to KL in a while more.

I am also worried for my friend as she's going through a tough time now. Hopefully with time she will be allright perhaps.

For now, everything seems allright but hopefully it will turn better.. :)

So today I was posted to the CSSD where u pack all the sterile stuff and autoclave it. IT WAS DAMN COLD I could feel my teeth chattering >.< . I was already wearing 3 layer of clothes and my arms that was not covered was freezing. I was worried that I will no longer have any feeling or sensation on my fingers due to the cold. I think it was like frostbite on my arm.

There was an added case for cranialtomy, due to a hematoma in the skull, an emergency case and I quickly rushed to see how the operation was done. I was like sort of the assistant to the circulating nurse, taking stuff or items that they needed. I managed to see how the surgeon drill a hole in to the skull and note the blood flowing out. COOL. The end result of the operation was the patient's bp went back to normal, and no longer have any blood clot in the skull that was pressuring the brain. Patient was sent back to the ICU for monitoring and observation.

The only thing I was not happy about was that my right shoulder hurts as the sliding door that connect the preparation room and the operating theatre  hit me when I was taking stuff for them. Ouch. Other than that, I went back to school for the open house, met all my gang mates, and am now still with them.

Although there are still some PDA happening surrounding me I act oblivious because its like a daily thing happening in my current life, haha.... . Maybe later I will join my friend to play some games if I feel like it and hopefully tomorrow I won't be feeling much of the cold. *prays hard and crosses finger* :)

Another day passes by. The day seemed to drag so slow today to me . I did my case presentation today too. I think mine was too wordy and too much info (LOL) . Tomorrow will go back to OT (Operating Theatre) and hopefully get to see some interesting cases. 

I realize that for the past week that when I step outside any buildings it always seem to rain on me!!! Eventhough I am wearing a raincoat of an umbrella it NEVER fails to rain on me. Sometimes I'm not sure if the weather is having something against me for a particular reason or it's just pitying me of my current state of troubled emotions  and is trying to wash away my troubles. I like to think of it that perception. It kinds of gives me a comfortable feeling that the world is trying to soothe the aching in my heart.

Today was my first day at the Operating theatre. I didn't expect much from it from the first day at all. I am hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day. :) I wouldn't mind that it would rain again also. Sometimes I have this desire to just let the rain fall on me and let it just drench me. I would feel every drop of rain fall on my skin and let it flow down from my face, body and to my feet. The rain will wet my clothes and I could feel the numbness coming to my body when hard times and troubles come by.

 I did that a couple of times actually and it actually works for me. It helps too when you want to cry and don't want to show it to anyone so if you just stand in the heavy rain and let it drench you, the tears that falls from the eyes would be mistaken as rain drops. I would not recommend it as you might come with pneumonia and flu the next day (XD) but I enjoy the feeling. The heavy rain help numb you from all the pain and troubles that is hurting inside of you, especially the heart. Maybe I like the rain, dropping down, soothing and refreshing. Or it just could be that since I haven't found my ashke yet, I would have to make do with sharing and letting the pain be washed away by the rain.

The cooling wind that is accompanied by the rain feels like a hug sometimes to me. Although it is cold, I can stand letting the wind wrap around me like a warm blanket, soothing me, murmuring whispers of encouragement and comfort to me to just let it go promising a better day tomorrow. The coldness feel natural to me and I would just smile sometimes when I can hear or feel the wind brushing through the trees. When I see a puddle of rain, I just love to stomp or jump in it,  (if I'm not wearing expensive shoes) and let the water wet my feet.

Although many people are worried of my well-being?  as some would say, I would just laugh and say I am fine. I would hate people worrying over something so trivial compared to the events and stuff they had to overcome in the past few months. Some of them found their other halves, some still searching, and some happily contended of where they are now. I wouldn't say which category I am but for now I am contended with what I have for now, lovable, awesome friends who always encourage that I am better than how I think I am and have a need for me when they are in need of advise and help.

I just like doing and buying stuff for people I care about. I have no idea why. My mother would always worry saying I never buy anything for myself as I always buy gifts for my family and friends. I would laugh and say "I like buying stuff and presents for you. It's how I show my affection and love for you. Why not?"

:D

So if anyone needs a listening ear, shoulder or maybe just a presence there to comfort you in times of need, don't be hesitant to call. If I can help within means, I can promise you I WILL.

So technically it's a start of the new year of 2011. Many people are starting with new resolutions, promises and intentions with determinations to follow through it. I read quite a few blogs showing what their resolutions and the regrets they had in 2010. I was surprised somewhat and encouraged by people who wrote in their blogs about the past events in 2010 and did not realise I make such a positive impact to a person that much in their ups and downs incidents and events in their life.

I do not think that my presence, advise, guidance (maybe?) and all the stuff I did for the people I care about had such an impact on their life. All the things I did and done for you guys are insignificant and petty compared to others I feel personally.

Do I have any resolutions for 2011? Or do I have any regrets in 2010? Truthfully, I don't know. All the events in 2010 seems to be a blur and happened so fast that I was quite taken back that it was already 31st of December 2010 and the year 2011 has come. All I can say are that there were events that were ups and downs that has made me cry and laugh in 2010.

There were definitely events that I wish I could turn back time and undone what I have done so that the mistake or incident did not occur, especially the one where I had lost a good friend because of my mistake and forgetfulness. I truthfully cried wondering was the action I had done was the fault? I could not forgive myself still and hopefully time can only make it seem far away.

I can never forget it and truly do not wish so as a reminder not to ever let it happen again to anyone I care about. I am thankful that I have friends who in some way or other back me up and actually boost up my self-confidence in some matters which I personally feel I lack most.

Truthfully I am happy that I have made many friends in the year of not 2010 only but starting from when I entered Ngee Ann polytechnic. I am blessed with such amazing and stupendous friends who leave me laughing like a mad person and amazed at their capabilities.

Although people has mentioned countless times that I am such a good, kind (don't think so myself) and consider themselves lucky to have known me and be my friend, I think otherwise. I feel that I myself am very lucky to have known the friends I have made in Singapore and being regarded as a friend. All the times that we spend together all seem like precious gems of memories in my life and will not ever be forgotten ever.

Although pictures speak a thousand words as quoted, and is sometimes used to be memories of events and things we share about, I don't feel I have the privilege of being in the picture as I always deem myself to be the  stranger in the photo and not fit in. I know it sounds stupid but it's an obstacle I am trying to face. ( idiot right?)

Therefore all I can say for 2011 that there will be more memories that can be created, shared together and be treasured, I wish for all the best for the people I care about that there will be less dark and shadow times for you guys and more happiness will be spread around. To all couples who are "official" or not, I wish to you to be happy together and have great time together :p To all my friends, I am grateful for what you done to me by just being my friend, and to my family and loved ones, I wish them happiness, longevity, and good health in 2011.

HAPPY NEW YEAR I say once again.. :D

this is just me bloggin on days and telling out what I feel and think.. read if you want and if you are not interested just go to another site...

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