On my way back from my shift, I was thinking and recounting the many past events that occured in my life and realised that though my life is pretty blissful and can be said "lucky" in a sense, my life is totally full of crap, emptyness and not much self-achievement of which I'm proud of at all. My life seem dull and I have no goals or any objectives in life.
I was pretty upset with today with myself and others too. I am still unsure of why I should be disappointed with others but somehow I feel like a stranger when it comes to certain topics and I do not fit into their circle among them. I am unable to chat or understand with them and feel outcasted, lost and confused. I am unable to click or connect to them some way and feel insecure. I feel like in a rainbow of colours that fits, shine in the air and gleam beautifully, I am the black colour that tries blend in but is unable to be seen by others.
Sometimes I feel I am troubling others if I speak of my worries or just talk about it. I try to think my way through of the troubles and emotions that is churning and raging infernally inside me. It may be because I think too many stuff of the future events that may occur and it has me afraid of whether the future events will come true. All I can think of is wearing a mask of neutrality to be shown to the public or on the mainstage and lock the real me who is troubled, confused and afraid.
I now realised that in any case where if my breaking point has been crossed and I break down, I will be helpless to depend or even call out for help. I do not think I have the capacity to actually reach out to others in times of need. I do not want to make my parents worry of me, friends who might think I am overreacting to situations or seemed to much of a hassle to talk to and to my seniors who have more responsibilities when it comes to my insignificant troubles and just out of control enstrogens which is affecting me.
I was really happy and looking forward to the future a few days ago but I now seemed reluctant to continue what I have done halfway and would just like to cut it off. It would seemed unreasonable and stupid but it feels like what I wish and thrive for to happen is not happening. It appear fate is not with me perhaps, but it not a blame to be put on. I wonder if tomorrow is a better day and good surprises will happen to cheer me up from these raging waves of negative emotions that is trying to break free from the chains that I have put on.
I have my hopes that my mask to the public and on the mainstage will be able to retain and withhold against the next few coming days then.
