Tomorrow is my day off and I will be doing so many things which I hope I can accomplish before meeting with Jaslyn for dinner at Jurong point :D . I kind off hoping the week will pass by quickly so that I can start my Specialised posting at the Operating theatre.
Other than that, I realized I haven't actually am proud of anything I accomplished in my 20 years of life. I still am cluesless about what I am doing and whether I am doing the right. I still feel that I am missing something and unsure if I am on the correct path in my own life as I usually follow what is being given to me.
I still am not sure whether I would like to continue my studies or just start working to help my dad financially for my younger sisters. >.< However I can say for now I would just continue what I am supposed to do and just hope for the best to happen.
I realised that I have also been blessed in many ways and fortunate that during my almost 3 years of nursing, I do not have any unfortunate and bullshit incidents that have led me to quit nursing yet. I know I do not really speak out my feelings or anything that has hurt me inside as I don't like people worrying about me. I wonder if that is good or not. I tend to bottle everything up in me and not let other people know.
Another matter is that a lot of my friends are in a relationship and I am not. I do not know what exactly is the feeling of actually liking someone as so far I only had crushes and puppy love? I think. I am unsure if I will ever meet someone out there to share the pain and happy moments together like many couples do. I am quite timid I would agree and not act if there is a person I like as I am quite afraid of the backlash if things does not go my way and the person I like is actually quite offended that a person like me is actually liking him. >.<
Complicated I would say for myself. LOLS. Sometimes I laugh at myself so for called giving relationship advices to my friends in relationship when I never actually had one that was serious or worked. I sometimes wonder if the advices I give are actually good or will just turn bad. I hate it if something bad or worse incidents happen just because I gave the wrong advice and they listened to it.
Sometimes I also wonder why people, friends especially always seem to tell me I am kind when I think I am not. I just simply like doing things whenever and what I want since I am free and actually have that wanting feeling? conscience? I call it to help people. I like to help people and my friends if I can do it. If I can help within reasons or I just want to like accompanying my friend back home, clearing up stuff and etc, I just do it without being asked. It's not that I do it all the time, I am LAZY sometimes to help people XD, I can say for sure, but I always find it weird that people always say "Beatrix why are you so nice?" or etc.
I AM NOT NICE OR KIND. I just like helping people I care about. Got a problem with that? I can't seem to understand why people have this assumptions that I am like a angel or something 0_o .
I hate being ignored too. If I were to be ignored for a long time I think I will feel left out and not uneeded? I think as I would feel that my presence is not needed and if I were to fade away no one will actually notice. Did that a couple of times and no one actually notice at all. I felt kind of sad and was actually growing mushroom in a dark corner.
OMG, I just probably written like an essay already. I think will stop spamming now and will write again when I feel like it or just want to pour out anything on my mind again.
See yea in maybe in a day or two perhaps? *hugs* whoever is reading this.
P.S - I AM NOT IN DEPRESSION. this is just to let out what I think and feel at the current moment. IF your are worried about me DON'T. I will be fine and ok :D
